Passive, she thought.
She continued walking.
Her mind was blank. Her definition of passive being with a blank mind.
She likes being passive. It gave her a sense of detachment. Vaguely, she thinks back to what she read a while back. She remembered wondering how such a state of detachment was considered unhealthy. Only her friend’s almost speechless reaction to it made her think about it.
She looks up abruptly. She doesn’t know where she is.
She feels lost. Lost being, not having a goal.
She rectifies her words immediately. It’s not “not having a goal” silly me, she humorously thought despite the lack of entertainment factor. I have a goal, she tells herself, I want to be multi-lingual. It didn’t bring up any passion in her.
Drawing, she tries again. It doesn’t incite any reaction. She continues, various goals she tried to commit in the past. Animation. Writing. Trophies. Skills. Power. Defense.
It’s similar to a bland game, she muses while relating it to her life. No motivation, no nothing.
She can’t have it in her to push herself doing something she doesn’t want to do. She thinks that doing nothing productive should cause frustration in her to well up. Nothing.
What is wrong with me?
The question is at the tip of her lips, unspoken but said.
She walks aimlessly.
The sentence is better now, she thinks. She’s lost but she’s still walking. She wonders how to incorporate her feelings of detachment.
She walks aimlessly, unminding to her surroundings.
It sounds weird, her mind told her, but it sounds nice. She’s confused but she accepts.
What is weird is that there’s something nibbling at the back of her mind, wanting her attention.
It brings her back to the subject of not wanting to do something senselessly. She blinks. Is not what she is doing senseless?
She is thoroughly confused but she ignores the nibbling. She notices a flower beside the road. Tilting her head, she rectifies the statement.
She walks aimlessly, unminding to her surroundings except for the few distractions that keeps her occupied for a while.
She plays with the flower. She plucks all the petals and drops it as soon as she finished.
Now, she hums as she walks.
Lily wonders if there will come a time where she walked. She thinks not.